A gracious identity, part 1

"I expected that in all areas of life, understanding came before obedience." I read this quote by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield in an article she wrote for Christianity Today recently (read the article here). It resonated with some thoughts I've been having lately.

I've always placed an emphasis on my ability to perform well. Our education system sets us up to place the greatest importance in positive evaluations by others. Although these can be good measures of our effort, they can also be quite biased. I quickly learned how to please teachers. I was perceptive of what a teacher wanted out of me, regardless or whether or not I was learning all that I should have learned. It was less about the journey and more about the destination. My understanding of what I "needed to do" led to my obedience.

I've lately noticed that this has carried over into just about every area of my life, most importantly my spiritual life. I have a tendency to think of God in terms of how I can please Him. It is, therefore, difficult for me to really grasp ahold of His grace, both for myself and for others. In addition, I have realized that my propensity to please others has caused me to become enslaved to perfectionism. "Of course," I reason, "if I can do everything that [person] wants me to do, then I will be perfectly acceptable to them." If they are unhappy with me (or I think they are unhappy with me...or they are even just unhappy in general), then I have failed. My perfection falters and then crashes to the ground in a thousand shards of fragile glass. Or I can find some fault in them, in order to preserve my identity.

Where is grace in all of this? There is no grace for myself...no grace for others. And yet God based His greatest act of all time on grace. Jesus died to extend to us the grace that we need to be redeemed from our sinful nature. Though I often do not understand God's instructions, I must obey. Although it makes sense to me to do exactly what others advise me to do and for them to be pleased with me, what good will this do if God is not pleased in me? If I am more concerned with God's acceptance, then I can forgive myself of making a mistake; my fragile identity will not falter; I will have no need to find fault in others. His grace has a major reverberating effect on the lives of many, and it is through my obedience that I will find an ability to rest in and extend this grace.