34 weeks

How far along? 34 weeks
Sleep? Not as good as it was. I've been having quite a bit of rib pain when I lay on either side.
Symptoms? Continued back pain and ribs out of place. Tired.
Food cravings? Still water, it seems like I can never get enough.
Food aversions? Still spicy foods, just because of heartburn.
Labor signs? I haven't had any more contractions, thank goodness! Nothing major as far as labor signs, which I am completely okay with. I'd like to wait at least a couple of weeks before anything starts kicking in.
Belly button in or out? It's popped!
What I miss? Being able to eat a normal sized meal without feeling sick. It seems like I'm always hungry!
What I'm looking forward to? Christmas is next week! It's my favorite time of year and Gideon has been enjoying our Christmas tree and all of the fun festivities. I'm just waiting for life to slow down next week so we can savor some of those peaceful moments.
Milestones? I think I've officially surpassed my total weight gain with Gideon. Yikes!
High? We had our maternity photos taken today and it was a lot of fun. It was a bit chilly, but honestly perfect weather for the middle of December! It was the most peaceful and fun photoshoot I've ever had.
Low? I've been really aware of "symptoms" over the past couple of weeks. Nothing amounts to anything, but it's had me concerned from time to time. Looks like everything is progressing on track, though.
Bump? Of course!

34 weeks

Just chugging right along. I can't believe that in about two more weeks, it will already be January - the month we are due to meet this sweet new baby! It seems like time has been zooming by at lightning speed. We still have a lot to do in order to get ready for this new transition, and we are also trying to slow down a bit because we've been feeling really worn out. There's definitely a balance to life, and I'm sure that will be an important lesson as I adjust to life with a toddler and a newborn.

32 weeks

How far along? 32 weeks
Sleep? I finally found a body pillow that provides good support without causing me to overheat, yay!
Symptoms? Back pain and it's getting harder to move around. Heartburn isn't as bad as it has been.
Food cravings? Water, I'm always thirsty.
Food aversions? Still spicy foods, just because of heartburn.
Labor signs? I had some contractions over the weekend (32.5 weeks) for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. It's definitely getting more real! I've also been having "zingers" as my midwife likes to call them.
Belly button in or out? It's popped!
What I miss? Being able to move around and get up and down comfortably
What I'm looking forward to? We have so much going on, I'm looking forward to hopefully having some time to slow down and enjoy our little family of three, as well as the Christmas season.
Milestones? Having my first bout of contractions. Started doing kick counts as of 32 weeks.
High? Our 32 week appt showed that everything is doing well and right on track. My iron was low after our last appt and my energy level seems to have improved somewhat now that I'm taking an iron supplement.
Low? Continued exhaustion. We are being pulled in many directions right now with different urgent needs (and have been for a while). It's been draining in many ways. Praying for some rest before baby comes!
Bump? Growing and growing!

32 weeks

We moved Gid into his "big boy room" over the weekend. He's been resistant to the idea of not sleeping in his crib (converted into a toddler bed), so we ended up taking it down so that it was no longer an option. The transition went amazingly well! He did get up several times in the middle of the night and had a hard time falling asleep the first couple of naps and nights. Overall, though, we feel like it was a very smooth transition! I can finally begin work on the nursery, which looks to be a bit more work than I had anticipated. There are still quite a few remnants of Gid's stuff in there, and lots of totes to sort through. We are looking forward to celebrating the Christmas season with Gideon and have already been enjoying the sweet innocent joy that Christmas is for a two year old!

30 weeks

How far along? 30 weeks
Sleep? It's gotten more difficult to find a comfortable sleeping position.
Symptoms? Still about the same - some heartburn and back pain. Now that baby is getting bigger, I'm also experiencing more discomfort.
Food cravings? Water, pickles and banana peppers.
Food aversions? Spicy foods - indigestion/heartburn is much worse if I stray from bland foods.
Labor signs? More and more Braxton Hicks contractions and cramps when I move into/from certain positions.
Belly button in or out? It's popped!
What I miss? The ability to find a comfortable sleeping position.
What I'm looking forward to? This is always my favorite time of year and it's even more wonderful with a little baby dancing in my belly. I'm looking forward to time with our family and the excitement/anticipation of the little one joining soon!
Milestones? We passed the one year mark since our miscarriage. It was a bittersweet time. It is difficult to process the emotions of loss mixed with joy and ultimately trust in the One who gives life.
High? Even though it's more uncomfortable, I enjoy having my bump pop out because it signifies the dramatic growth that I experience every day.
Low? Exhaustion from pregnancy and several things going on and Gideon being overtired/not sleeping well from a combination of vacation/staying up late for festivities/time change.
Bump? Definitely showing more now! It's getting in the way a lot more.

Already 30 weeks!

Even though sleep has been hard to come by over the past month, we have been hard at work! We have been clearing out space, ordered and put up black out blinds in Gid's new room, bought and assembled some furniture in his room, and moved everything but books and a few toys into his room. He's not overly excited about moving into it and we've been waiting until he seems to be sleeping better to actually move him in. It looks like that will be after Thanksgiving sometime. Then, we can start working on the nursery more, but it shouldn't be too much work since we are leaving the decor. Things are slowly coming together and I'm starting to get excited!

26 weeks

How far along? 26 weeks
Sleep? I've been sleeping well until vacation. Gideon was up by 5am almost every morning!
Symptoms? Heartburn from time to time and back troubles.
Food cravings? Water, pickles and banana peppers
Food aversions? Still nothing.
Labor signs? Since the contractions last month, I haven't had any! Some tightening (Braxton Hicks) here and there, but nothing painful.
Belly button in or out? Borderline in/out.
What I miss? Not having to use the restroom all of the time
What I'm looking forward to? Hitting the third trimester!
Milestones? Nothing major, but every day is a milestone to me.
High? Getting to take Gideon on vacation and having the baby with us was really special.
Low? The past month seemed to move slowly, like I couldn't wait for our appt to arrive. I have been thinking about our angel baby a lot with the one year anniversary approaching.
Bump? My bump has continued to grow, but depending on how loose fitting my shirt is, it's still not very noticeable.

Here is baby at 26 weeks gestation!

Life has been pretty hectic since my last update. We had a lot to do before heading out on vacation. When we returned, we were totally exhausted and my allergies immediately kicked in with a vengeance. Needless to say, little has been accomplished over the past several weeks. Sometimes you just don't have energy to do much more than the necessities. We have gotten some work done on Gideon's new room and hope to finish a lot more of it in the coming weeks.

22 weeks

How far along? 22 weeks
Sleep? It's not been great the past couple of weeks. Between not being able to get comfortable and allergies keeping me up with congestion, I've been really tired.
Symptoms? Still having regular headaches, some heartburn (but papaya enzymes before meals have been helping!), tired, and back pain. Oh, the back pain!
Food cravings? Salads, avocado on everything!
Food aversions? Nothing really.
Labor signs? I was having some actual contractions (not good this early!). I even had them three nights in a row for about an hour each time. Thankfully, I have not had any for a couple of weeks!
Belly button in or out? Still in!
What I miss? Feeling well rested
What I'm looking forward to? We are going on vacation in a few weeks, and I'm really looking forward to taking Gideon on a family vacation before everything changes.
Milestones? Our third appt was last week, and baby was doing really well. Also, I've been feeling lots of movement over the past couple of weeks!
High? Feeling the baby move a lot has been really exciting and reassuring.
Low? The more I've felt this baby move, the more our previous loss has been coming to mind lately. There's so much to process with pregnancy after loss, and I'm sad that our other little one didn't make it into our arms.
Bump? I feel like I'm obviously showing, but I haven't had strangers comment on my bump yet. I didn't show a ton with Gideon, so maybe I won't get too big this time, either.

22 weeks already! An obvious difference over the past six weeks.

Gideon wanted in on the photoshoot, too. What a sweetie!

And, once again, my update is a week and a half late, ha! Ah, such is the life of a pregnant mama with a toddler in tow. Life has just been crazy! It's been really nice to get back into the fall swing of things. Gideon's fall Kindermusik class and our bible study started two weeks ago. Work is going strong and keeping me busy with extra reports and CEUs I'm trying to complete to renew my license. We've been hard at work on Gideon's new bedroom and are just about ready to order blinds so that we can move him and begin preparing the nursery again! It is wild to think that in a few months, there will be another baby occupying our hearts and time.

17 weeks

How far along? 17 weeks
Sleep? Getting overheated at night, getting up to use the restroom. Otherwise, sleep has been pretty good.
Symptoms? The past few weeks, I've just been tired and having regular headaches.
Food cravings? Watermelon, cucumbers, lemons. I cannot get enough lemon.
Food aversions? Nothing really. Sometimes things don't sound as good as normal, especially healthy food, but nothing that completely repulses me.
Labor signs? Braxton Hicks every now and then.
Belly button in or out? In, but I can tell it's getting closer to the surface.
What I miss? Having more energy
What I'm looking forward to? I can't believe we are only three weeks away from being halfway through. I'm trying to enjoy every stage of this pregnancy and it is going so quickly.
Milestones? We had our second appointment today at 17 weeks. Everything looked great, heartbeat with 150bpm! We also bought a toddler bed for Gideon and have started clearing out our office to make space for his new room.
High? The past few weeks have been more relaxed since we heard the heartbeat and passed the first trimester milestone. It's been nice to focus on other things.
Low? I was hoping to feel more energetic like I did with Gideon, but that hasn't happened yet. I have a feeling it is just going to be different this time. Pregnancy with a toddler is a whole different experience.
Bump? Definitely there! Depending on the shirt, it's harder to see. But I'm starting to feel more worn out and struggling more to get around. The other night, I was laying down by Grant and he had to help push me up. I'm finally filling out my maternity clothes more, which is nice. I've been wearing them for several weeks, because, well, they're pretty darn comfy!

 Well, this pic was taken at 16 weeks and I've definitely popped out more in the past week. But, let's be honest, I'm doing good just to be typing this update right now, so we'll take what we can get! I am hoping that life will get back to normal a bit more. I read through my posts with Gideon and it was right around 16 weeks that I started feeling better. That's actually encouraging to me, as we've had a crazy summer and I'm chasing around a two year old on a daily basis.

12 weeks

How far along? 12 weeks
Sleep? Had trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks until I broke out the extra pillows.
Symptoms? Fairly mild right now. Nausea/vomiting/heartburn/indigestion from 5 weeks until 11/12 weeks; exhaustion from the beginning until a couple of days ago; bloating from about 5/6 weeks until the bump started developing.
Food cravings? everything; I'm hungry all of the time
Food aversions? Not much yet, the aversion were worse with Gideon
Labor signs? --
Belly button in or out? In
What I miss? Being able to sleep all night; I'll be missing that for awhile
What I'm looking forward to? Not keeping it a secret anymore!
Milestones? Finally had our first appointment at 12 weeks, 1 day this past week. Baby had a nice, strong heartbeat at 160bpm. Kathy found it almost instantly, which was a huge relief to us! Also, baby has now been on FOUR  road trips with us already - twice to Iowa 8.5 hrs each way and twice to west Kansas 4-4.5 hrs each way. That's a lot of driving with a toddler and a stowaway!
High? Hearing that sweet, sweet heartbeat
Low? We've had so much going on these first several weeks; it's been so busy and such a blur
Bump? Yup, starting to show! We can tell, but not too noticeable to strangers yet

It's been so long since I've posted. I finally started showing this week so decided it was time to commence with the posts. The first trimester has been hard. So many emotions go along with pregnancy, and especially with pregnancy after loss.

4 weeks

How far along? 4 weeks
Sleep? No problems, just really tired all the time.
Symptoms? Exhaustion
Food cravings? None
Food aversions? Leftovers
Labor signs? --
Belly button in or out? In
What I miss? Not feeing exhausted all the time
What I'm looking forward to? Telling immediate family soon
Milestones? We found out at 10dpo. I took the test before hopping in the shower right before bed. When I got out, there was an obvious line. I couldn't believe it!
High? Finding out
Low? Such a long wait until our first appointment at 12 weeks
Bump? Just some bloating, no bump yet

We are overjoyed to be pregnant again after a difficult year. Knowing the reality of pregnancy loss does make this one a little more difficult and, at the same time, more wonderful. We realize that this child is with us right now, and it is easier to appreciate, knowing that we cannot take one day for granted.

It was a challenge for me to truly give myself over to the pregnancy. I was, on some level, trying to protecting myself from the possibility of loss. But I know that it isn't possible to keep myself from the pain of something happening during this pregnancy. Now that I've been able to open myself up completely, I am feeling excited and hopeful, and mostly grateful that I get to be with our child for the moment. What a beautiful time pregnancy is meant to be.

Lessons from Loss: the Odds

Even with a completely worry free first pregnancy, I found myself searching for statistics on miscarriage risk in the first trimester. My second pregnancy seemed to be going well. Though my symptoms were mild, I had felt relatively well during my first pregnancy. Yet, something was ticking at the back of my mind.

Statistics became my comfort. I googled them regularly and continually searched for more.

I now see them for what they are: an illusion of control; an "It won't happen to me." Even when there is a 0.0001% chance, it's happened to someone. And my guess is that they didn't think it would happen to them, either.

Statistics are useful. They chart growth, mediate risk, prove overall efficacy.

But when it comes down to the chances of something tragic happening to me, statistics are a fake failsafe. I didn't think I would have a miscarriage; the odds were in my favor. I've known people who have had numerous live births and not one pregnancy loss. I've known others who have had several miscarriages and not one live birth. I've known people to tragically die in accidents and others to miraculously survive against all odds.

What's the moderating factor? I don't know.

When bad things happen, blame easily falls on lacking faith or retribution for bad deeds. And while these may be true at times, I don't think it is true for the majority and it surely isn't my place to determine what is to blame. Because when I'm honest, I don't know.

But there is one thing I do know. This world is fallen and depraved. God's grace is everywhere. Sometimes it's seen on Earth and sometimes it's in the open arms of Jesus in Heaven.

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Cor. 13:12)

A little transparency

The past year has been the toughest year of my life.

With my super type A personality, I relish when everything fits neatly together and my plans are fulfilled exactly as I desire. As a child and young adult, things often worked out in this way.

During my 19 straight years as a student, I was able to complete assignments as teachers and professors desired, turn in my superb work, and receive the accolades and grades that I accomplished via my efforts. My plan = my success.

Upon graduation and the beginning of the rest of my life, I will admit that I felt a bit lost. What would I do without others constantly dictating a list of requirements? How was I to manage this open-ended, unstructured world?

Once I completed my licensing exam, took a dream vacation with my husband, and got pregnant, I felt like things were back on track. We'd planned each of these things, and they all flowed smoothly and happened right on time. So, when we decided it was time for another baby last summer, I was delighted that we conceived the second month of trying. My plans were once again leading to my success.

At exactly nine weeks, I realized that something wasn't right. We rushed in for an emergency ultrasound and found out that our pregnancy had ended. The devastating crush was heightened as I fumbled for answers. My plans had not been enough. I was not enough. I had failed myself, our child, my husband.

Those first days were impossibly fragile. It was a sweet time of crying out and being met with such wonderful peace and hope. The darkest times truly are the richest. Day by day, day by day, day by day.

New every morning

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" -Lamentation 3:21-24

Just as the Israelites were blessed with manna from heaven each morning to meet their needs, I am blessed each morning with God's mercy to meet my needs. His compassions fail not.

Struggle is a part of life. When one is resolved, another appears or comes to the forefront of my mind. At times, I encounter multiple difficulties at the same time. And some are more challenging than others.

During times of greatest challenge, I experience the greatest disconnect between God's peace and my own worldly anguish. The clash of my humanity with God's divinity.

Just as forgiveness and love are decisions outside of the realm of "feeling," peace is not so much a feeling but a state of being. Rather than thinking of peace as a feeling of relief from struggle, perhaps Paul meant that peace is an absence of our anxiety.

Not that our struggles have disappeared, but that the anxiety surrounding them has been surrendered to the One who holds all things in His hands.

And it is human to see those struggles and have those anxieties flood back. Each day (each moment!), I must answer His call to surrender all and receive His peace. It is not a failure to feel His peace and then to feel my struggle. My victory is not in defeating all challenges and difficulties in my life. It is not in achieving some dreamlike state of blissful "peace." It is in returning my anxieties to Him each time they appear; in being renewed in His peace each morning, or moment.