A gracious identity, part 2

As I have begun to truly understand this aspect of God, his grace, I have realized that I am not who I think I am. My fragile identity of perfection is a guise I have created in an attempt to be in control and to "save me from myself."

I have spent years working on my perfectionistic tendencies, and I have made progress. There once was a day that getting a "B" would have destroyed me. By the time I entered graduate school, I was okay with getting whatever grade I got, as long as I knew I had learned and had put forth good effort. I will admit that I never got lower than an "A" for a final grade, but I am confident that I would have been okay with it. There are many other areas in which I do not struggle with perfection in the same way I used to.

Even so, I still find myself at war with this elusive goal. With perfection still a part of my identity after years of work, I must either accept that it is just "who I am" or that I have missed something. I have wondered lately if the very thing I've been missing is the warm embrace of God's grace. Sure, I know I'm forgiven, but living in His grace is much more than understanding what it is. My obedience to Him requires me to accept myself fully: my faults, my weaknesses, my sinful tendencies. I was born into this world as a sinful being. It is by no act of my own that I have sinful tendencies. And this acceptance is in direct opposition to my self-identity.

This brings me to the crux of the issue for me: What is my identity? If I am really allowing God's grace to rule my life, how does perfection fit into that? I believe that we all develop identities based off of events in our lives. Although they may look different, they all serve the same purpose: protection. It may be perfection, like me. It may be humor. It may be hard work to an extreme. It may be needing to feel useful. It may be a hundred other things. But whatever it is, it keeps us from our true identities.

Butterfield, the author of the article I referred to in part 1, later wrote, "If Jesus could split the world asunder, divide marrow from soul, could he make my true identity prevail? Who am I? Who will God have me to be?" I believe that He can, as did she. (For more on her, read the article here.)

Though I may not understand how this will all work out in my life, I am confident that God will continue to reveal my true identity as I embrace every aspect of who I am. Though looking at the thorn is not beautiful, neither can the true beauty of a rose be comprehended by the sight of just one petal. I have a feeling that the journey will be more beautiful than the destination.