A little transparency

The past year has been the toughest year of my life.

With my super type A personality, I relish when everything fits neatly together and my plans are fulfilled exactly as I desire. As a child and young adult, things often worked out in this way.

During my 19 straight years as a student, I was able to complete assignments as teachers and professors desired, turn in my superb work, and receive the accolades and grades that I accomplished via my efforts. My plan = my success.

Upon graduation and the beginning of the rest of my life, I will admit that I felt a bit lost. What would I do without others constantly dictating a list of requirements? How was I to manage this open-ended, unstructured world?

Once I completed my licensing exam, took a dream vacation with my husband, and got pregnant, I felt like things were back on track. We'd planned each of these things, and they all flowed smoothly and happened right on time. So, when we decided it was time for another baby last summer, I was delighted that we conceived the second month of trying. My plans were once again leading to my success.

At exactly nine weeks, I realized that something wasn't right. We rushed in for an emergency ultrasound and found out that our pregnancy had ended. The devastating crush was heightened as I fumbled for answers. My plans had not been enough. I was not enough. I had failed myself, our child, my husband.

Those first days were impossibly fragile. It was a sweet time of crying out and being met with such wonderful peace and hope. The darkest times truly are the richest. Day by day, day by day, day by day.